I don't know who I am, I told him, if I wasn't having surgery, recovering from surgery, or preparing for more surgery. I have been having operations almost every six months for the past year and a half as part of my treatment for breast cancer. The final piece - nipple reconstruction - came last December. This part of my treatment is now over (By the way, I'm extremely happy with the results!).
I thought I would take this time to reflect on the last two years.
In August 2014 I was diagnosed with Stage 1a grade 2-3 mixed invasive ductal and lobular carcinoma. I had two tumors in my right breast - one was 1.5 cm, the other 1 cm. After consulting with a breast specialist I opted for a bilateral mastectomy the following October. At the time of my initial surgery, I received tissue expanders to create a pocket for silicone breast implants. Since then, I have been receiving hormone therapy to keep the cancer from returning. You can read my initial thoughts about cancer by clicking here.
I could not go around cancer. I had to go through it. Although there have been difficult times for me and my family, I'm not sorry to have gone on that rough ride. I learned a few things.
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Exercise
Right before my diagnosis, I had set a goal to do some form of exercise five days a week. I had fallen out of the exercise habit and gained quite a lot of weight. It seems strange that I accomplished this goal while going through cancer treatment.
I learned that exercise can play a key role in preventing a recurrence of cancer. If that doesn't get me off the couch, I don't know what will. Exercise also plays a role in mental health. Hormone treatments can wreak havoc on the emotions, too. Regular vigorous exercise makes me feel good.
After each surgery, I was limited with what I could do with my upper body. No weight bearing exercises were allowed as I recovered, and some arm movements were difficult. But there was nothing hampering my lower body! So I concentrated on cardio. I pulled out my old step bench and also discovered Zumba. Zumba turned into my ultimate feel-good activity because it got my heart pumping and I could do as much or as little as my body allowed while recovered. I have since found a great class at the YMCA that I attend twice a week.
Understanding the importance of exercise also led me to the LiveStrong at the Y program at my local YMCA. This wonderful program, which you can learn more about by clicking here, put me in touch with four wonderful trainers who helped me and my group in our recovery process. Their influence helped me solidify my goal to be a regular exerciser.
Cancer taught me to keep active.
Staying Positive
I am not by nature a cock-eyed optimist. But I knew I could not wallow in fear and negativity because of cancer. It doesn't feel good and could have affected my recovery. There were times when I was scared. There were times after the mastectomy when I thought the pain wouldn't end. There were times when I questioned some of my surgical decisions. But in the end, I knew to put one foot in front of the other and reassure myself that everything was okay - no matter what happened.
Writing this blog also helped me stay positive. After my diagnosis I scoured the web for information and came across many different blogs written by women who were going through the same thing. They gave me hope. They gave me the clarity to understand that I, too, had a story to share that may help quell the fears of someone else.
Having a great team of doctors, nurses, and physical therapists also helped me maintain a positive outlook. The support of my family and friends has also sustained me during difficult times. And then, there is my husband - read about him here.
Cancer taught me to stay positive.
Listening to Body and Soul
When I went in for that mammogram in July 2014, I knew something was up. But I had no indication or any symptoms of cancer - just a nagging little feeling in the back of my brain. My body must have known before I did that I was sick.
Since then, I have had lesson after lesson in trusting my gut instincts and what my body was telling me.
Pain taught me to be patient. While I wished for an immediate return to my normal physical self, that wasn't possible. If something hurt, I had to stop doing it. I do remember crying one morning after my mastectomy because I had to ask my son to help me slice a bagel. I just didn't have the arm strength to accomplish this seemingly simple task. "Mom, it's just a bagel," he said. Indeed. It seems silly now. I know now to listen to my body, do what I can and push when appropriate, and ask for help when I need it.
I had to listen to my soul, too. My first team of doctors wasn't right for me - in fact, they were just a disaster. My soul knew this almost immediately. I could have saved some time and frustration if I hadn't let fear drown out those feelings. I know better now.
Cancer taught me to listen to myself and trust myself.
Going Forward
I am not naive enough to think cancer is done with me - it might return, it might not. But one thing I do know now is not to be afraid. I can handle anything.
Everyone will encounter some kind of pain in life. It is our response to it that makes the difference between fulfillment and suffering. Many times I have asked "Why me?" But I have not asked it while shaking my fist in anger at the universe. I have asked because I want to know why I went through this. How does this experience help me find clarity in my life?
This is what cancer taught me.
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